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 1. Do-it-Yourself 
 2. Tax Basics 
 3. Background Stuff 
 4. Accountants 
 4.1 Choosing an accountant 
 4.2 Working with accountants 
 4.3 Fucqs 
 5. Tax Nightmares 
 6. Reference 
 7. Bookshop 
 8. About TaxRelief4escorts 
 9. Disclaimer 
4.1 Choosing an accountant
Types of accountant Why use a qualified accountant? Who to avoid
The first thing to decide is what you want from an accountant. Are you looking for a quick clean tax job, or the full professional advisor experience? How much advice do you need, and how often do you want to be able to contact him? Do you want to communicate by meeting him, post, telephone or email? Do you want an accountant in the next street or would you rather he lived in the next galaxy? Do you want the accountant you meet to do all the work himself or are you happy for him to delegate the routine stuff to his oik? Is it important that your accountant should be a woman or can you make do with a man?
graphic  By far the best way to get an accountant is by personal recommendation from another girl in the business whose judgement you trust.
4.1.1 Types of accountant
Accountants come in a variety of flavours but the basic categories are qualified accountants, unqualified accountants (including some who have invented their own qualifications), turf accountants and book- keepers. Which you should choose depends on whether you are the kind of person who entrusts their health to a qualified doctor or whether you're happy to take your chances and swallow down a few of those tablets the vet prescribed for the cat.
Qualified accountants are helpfully organised into tribes:
graphic  Chartered Accountants can be distinguished by the letters FCA or ACA and they are to be found in High Street firms of Chartered Accountants, in the Yellow Pages (between abattoirs and acrobats) and in the boardrooms of businesses up and down the country.
graphic  Certified Accountants, who confusingly also call themselves Chartered Certified Accountants, live in the same kinds of places though there are fewer firms of Certified Accountants. They too have their own letters after their names, FCCA or ACCA.
The chartereds and the certifieds like to glare and stick their tongues out at each other, and the brighter people tend to join the chartered tribe. But for an escort it probably doesn't matter which you choose.
graphic  Then there's Scottish Chartered Accountants, who can be recognised by the letters CA. The few I've met seemed OK.
graphic  Next up it's the members of the Institute of Chartered Management Accountants (FCMA or ACMA.) Nice guys but no use to you unless you want to explore activity based costing.
graphic  Then we get the Chartered Public Finance Accountants (FIPFA or something like that). They are responsible for the fine state of the NHS and local government and you probably don't need their unique skills to deal with your tax.
By now you're probably wondering why some accountants have an F. It's accountant speak for mature. It stands for fellow and the fellows (many of whom are women) are more experienced than the associates.
A few others you might come across are:
graphic  Chartered Tax Advisors (CTA) tend to be highly specialised and some of them are lawyers in disguise.
graphic  Irish Chartered Accountants - OK if you live in Ireland
graphic  Accounting Technicians (MAAT or FAAT) - Probably best not to trust a boy to do a man's job
graphic  Taxation Technicians (MATT or FATT) - ditto
graphic  And now the golden rules. Look for someone describing themselves as a Chartered Accountant or a Certified Accountant, and anyone who who simply calls themselves an Accountant invariably has no qualifications.
4.1.2 Why use a qualified accountant?
graphic  You can't call yourself a chiropodist unless you have a professional qualification in chiropody or podiatry. But anyone can call themselves an accountant: and anyone does. That means there is a thriving business under-class of unqualified accountants. They claim to be qualified by experience and because they stick to what they are good at, and have lower overheads than high street accountants, they can offer a cheaper service. There are undoubtedly some very good unqualified accountants who know exactly what they are up to and provide an excellent service; but there are a lot of cowboys and without the reassurance of a professional qualification it's hard to tell the difference.
graphic  Although there are a large number of accountancy qualifications in the UK all the recognised accounting bodies supervise their members and have the same basic requirements. If you use a qualified accountant you know he's passed rigorous exams to get his qualification and has to do hours of courses every year to keep up to date; you know he has to have professional indemnity insurance to cover the risk that he gives you bad advice or is negligent in handling your affairs; and you know if anything goes wrong you can complain about his behaviour to his professional body.
And to quote an inspired, and possibly apposite, 1980's advertising slogan "It's easier to sleep with a Chartered Accountant."
4.1.3 Who to avoid
graphic  Any accountant whose office has an atrium or a fountain
You should expect to pay for his advice not his corporate status symbols. And he's probably about to go bust anyway.
graphic  Any accountant who talks about IR35 or suggests you form a limited company
Yes I know, nobody in the world of tax planning talks of anything else, but they have no place in tax planning for working girls.
graphic  Any accountant who tells you anecdotes about his other clients
He could be telling his next client all about you
graphic  Any accountant who says he can do everything for under £100
If that's all he thinks he is worth then he's probably right!
graphic  Any accountant who hints at payment by barter
Apart from the obvious problems, maybe he'll be tempted to accidentally steer you into an HMRC tax enquiry: 'it's going to take a lot of time and work to deal with this, but don't worry it won't cost you a thing.' It has happened!
graphic  Any accountant who claims to be the author of this site
I wrote this, and I have a wooden leg and a glass eye
graphic  Any accountant who can't talk to you in plain English
Yes tax is complicated, but there's no excuse for pretending it's some dark art that can only be vouchsafed to the initiated
graphic  Any accountant who can't promise to complete your accounts and tax returns within 30 days
If he's not fussed about getting work done promptly aren't you entitled to wonder whether he's fussed about getting it done properly?
graphic  Any accountant who once worked for the Inland Revenue
This is the best possible training for being totally devoid of commercial sense, and you can guarantee he knows almost nothing about VAT
graphic  Any accountant who is really dull
Boring accountants deserve to be driven out of the profession IMHO
graphic  Anyone with the words 'Turf Accountant' above the door
He's a bookie
graphic  Any accountant who tries to sell you a pension or some 'gilt-edged equity linked corporate maximum single premium guaranteed tracker bond'
You're in the wrong building - he's a bank manager
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